The Wrong Way To Motivate Your Child And What Actually Works In 2025

 

The Wrong Way to Motivate Your Kid

A worried kenyan mother sat across from me, torn between love and frustration. Her teenage son was skipping homework but never missed football practice. Her instinct? Take him off the team.

This may sound familiar. Many parents, in moments of panic, threaten to remove what brings their child joy, thinking it will fuel discipline. But research and decades of experience show otherwise. The truth is, taking away a child's passion can dim their motivation even more.

"Islands of Competence": The New Way to Motivate

The concept of "islands of competence"—coined by Dr. Robert Brooks—teaches us that every child has a unique strength worth nurturing. Instead of zeroing in on weaknesses, effective parenting focuses on reinforcing these strengths.

Think of them as steady ground for children to stand on when life feels shaky.

"Confidence is contagious. When children feel strong in one area, it boosts their ability to tackle tougher challenges."

What NOT to Do

Taking away a child's outlet (sports, arts, social activities) as a punishment often backfires. It erodes their sense of identity and confidence. Studies link this approach to "increased stress, poor academic performance, and low self-esteem".

So, What’s the Right Way?

1. Identify the Island

What makes your child light up? Is it drawing, football, tech, or storytelling? Observe with curiosity, not judgment. Ask, “Where do you feel most confident or alive?”

2. Name It

Affirm the skill. Say, “I love how you explain things—that’s a real gift,” or “You’re a natural leader on the pitch.” Kids often don’t realize their talents until someone mirrors it back to them.

3. Build on It

Once the strength is known, invest in it. Clubs, workshops, or simply encouragement can make a big difference. Remember, mastery comes from deliberate practice, not just talent.

4. Leverage Strength to Tackle Weakness

Help your child apply their strengths to weaker areas. A confident speaker struggling in writing might benefit from recording ideas first. Strength creates momentum.

5. Tell a New Story

Watch your words. Replace, “He’s lazy” with “He’s still discovering his rhythm.” Family narratives shape identity. Choose optimism, always.

Real-Life Inspiration

“My daughter works at a food truck every weekend. She says, ‘They need me.’ That sense of purpose has helped her push through school stress.”

“My student led a home theatre group—he’s now a professional actor.”

Final Thoughts

We’re not just raising students—we’re raising future leaders, creators, and healers. Let’s focus less on what they lack and more on what they already possess.

Empower your child to grow from their island of competence. That’s where motivation—and transformation—begins.

Have you discovered your child's strength today?